


remember i love you.

by maleclipse



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: (Not), Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-26 00:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maleclipse/pseuds/maleclipse
Summary: Magnus, it read in Alec’s handwriting,open when I’m gone.Magnus couldn’t breathe.(or, the one with the 'open when' letters.)





	remember i love you.

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry--  
> or not. 
> 
> anyways,,, magnus! centric! fic! yay 
> 
> heavy angst warning. oh and spoiler alert, alec is dead.

It was two months after Alec’s death, when Magnus found the graved box tucked under their bed.

 _Magnus_ , it read in Alec’s handwriting, _open when I’m gone._

Magnus couldn’t breathe.

 _Not yet_ , he thought as he set it back. _I’m not there yet._

Healing took time and Magnus wasn’t ready to break all over again.

Max was standing on the doorway, a sad smile on his face. “You should open it,” he said, “he knew how you’d be. He wants to help, even when he’s--- not around.”

Magnus didn’t trust his voice, so he just shook his head. He wasn’t ready.

“I’ll be there when you do,” Max promised, quietly and sad. It hit, then, that it hurt Max just as much as it hurt Magnus.

Magnus hated himself for ignoring it before.

“Thank you, Blueberry,” he answered hoarsely, tears running down his bare face.

Max got down next to him and hugged tight, navy blue hands taking their place around him. “We’ll be okay, papa, just like we were okay after Rafael. It’ll be okay.”

Magnus wanted to believe.

  
It was a moment of weakness one week later, when Magnus opened the box with shaking hands.

He just missed him. So much.

There were letters. A lot of letters. _Hey love_ , a piece of paper on top of them said, _please follow the instructions. I know you’re impatient, but please try. For me._

“Anything for you, Alexander,” Magnus whispered.

  
_Open when you miss me a lot,_ one of them said. Magnus did miss him, every day and so hard it hurt. He opened it the next day.

_I am so sorry for leaving you._

_I miss you, too, love. So much._

_I miss your mouth, I miss your smile and your kisses. I miss your eyes, your real ones. I miss the crinkles around them and the way they light up when you smile. Please, smile again. I miss the way you made me feel loved, every second of the day, how you always made me smile and laugh._

_Made. You still do, I can assure you._

_You helped me become me. Please help yourself to be you, again. (I know you’re not right now. It’s okay, but you need to heal. I need you to heal.)_

_Remember I love you._

Magnus placed it on his nightstand.

  
_Open when you’re with Max_ , one of them said.

Magnus and Max opened it together. They cried and laughed, and not just two of them, but Alec and Rafael, too.

 _Here’s some of my favourite pictures of all four of us,_ the letter said. _I miss Rafe._

_Remember I love you. All three of you. So much._

Magnus let Max take that one.

  
_Open when you are having a very bad day_ , got opened two weeks later.

_Call Catarina. I know you tend to push people away. She doesn’t deserve that._

_Remember I love you._

When Magnus dialed the number, Cat answered right away, “Magnus, finally.”

“Yeah,” Magnus croaked, “finally. I’m-- _sorry._ ”

Catarina was silent for a long time. “It’s okay, love. I know you’ve been through a lot.”

Magnus snorted weakly. A lot. Right.

“I didn’t expect you to call for at least another six months if I’m honest,” Catarina said. Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks.

“I--” Magnus started, words getting stuck in his throat, “Alexander-- um. Made me?”

Catarina didn’t answer.

“He left me these--” why was it so hard to speak, “letters? And, _fuck--_ ”

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Magnus breathed out. “I’m having a very shitty day. Could you--?”

“I’m coming over. Your wards still let me in?” Catarina checked.

Magnus choked out a quiet _yes_.

(Part of Magnus had died with Alec, but Catarina made him feel alive again.)

  
Next one Magnus opened was, _Open when you’re angry at me._

_I know you are. I am sorry._

_I never wanted to leave you. Hope Max is okay. Check up on him?_

_He always hated when we were angry with each other._

_Remember I love you._

(Magnus burned it.)

  
_Open when you’re overthinking (again, I can hear it), open when you can’t sleep, open when you're angry, open when it’s raining, open when it’s sunny, open when you need a break (you always do), open when you’re outside partying, open when you miss my smile_ … and Magnus hadn’t still opened half of them.

All of them ended with the same sentence. _Remember I love you._ Magnus did.

  
_Open when it’s our anniversary._ Magnus stared at the letter, taking a deep breath.

_Hello, my love._

_Is it our wedding anniversary? If not, stop reading. I almost forgot we have like seven different anniversaries._

It was their wedding anniversary.

_Is it selfish to be glad you took my name? You, carrying it after I’m dead - I feel special._

“Oh Alexander, you are.”

_“You are,” you said, didn’t you? I knew it!_

_I’m not mad if you want to marry again, some day. I expect you to, actually. Please fall in love and marry again. (Though, your name would be a mouthful.)_

_Remember our first anniversary? Max was lighting everything on fire and Rafe cried the whole day. Lovely, wasn’t it? Apart from the great sex we had, it was a disaster. But our life together was a disaster and that’s what made it perfect._

_I’m forever grateful that you said yes. I know it was a big step for you._

_Remember I love you, Magnus Lightwood-Bane._

Magnus cried himself to sleep. 

  
( _Open when you feel insecure about your body_ , was one of the letters Magnus had wanted to open many times already. And, oh, how ashamed he was when he finally did open it.

_Oh, my love._

_I know you have your days. It’s okay. It’s okay to be insecure, Magnus._

_Magnus you are so beautiful. You are sexy, you are handsome, fascinating, charming, gorgeous, stunning, angelic, the list goes on and on. Please remember that._

_And yes, here are my favourite pictures of you. Try to see them the same way I do._

_Remember I love you._ )

  
Forgetting things about Alexander felt horrible. There was a time Magnus thought he never would, he never could.

_Open when you don’t remember what our kisses felt like._

_It feels like we set the world on fire. You always say my mouth tastes like coffee and blood and candy. I found it weird, at first, but you still love me so I guess I can live with that description. You taste like candy, too, chocolate mostly. You taste like the exotic teas you’re always drinking. You taste like Amsterdam, or Paris._

_Remember I love you._

Magnus touched his lips. _Now I remember_ , he wanted to say.

  
_Open when you fall in love again._

_I’m proud of you._

_Remember I love you._

Falling in love was weird. But it felt right.

  
_Open when you don’t remember the color of my eyes._

_You always loved them. Here, have pictures._

_Remember I love you. <3_

  
_Give this to Max when he gets married,_ was the only one Magnus didn’t read. Max cried.

  
_Open when you consider yourself fully healed._

_There you go, love. I knew you could do it._

_Remember I love you._

 

“I remember.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hate me too.
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated. peace and love etc


End file.
